Here's everyone you're going to see during a Moments scrolling session, mute them at your leisure.
'Tonight it is going down at [insert name of nightlife venue you've never heard of]!' You don't know what 'it' is, nor are you sure in what sense 'it' is going down. But it's going to be lit, apparently – which a more pop culture-savvy coworker of yours has assured you is a good thing. 'Everyone in before midnight gets a free shot of vodka-infused Pocari Sweat and don't forget tonight's theme: "share bike pile up". There's going to be indoor fireworks, a bouncy castle, a live wolf and free-flow birthday cake because every day is someone's birthday, right?!?!? [smart emoji] [birthday cake emoji] [violin emoji]' – the last emoji you assume is a typo. It's a shame you already have plans...
There's nothing wrong with a little bit of self-promotion (the author of this article is definitely going to share it on his Moments for self-assuring, ego-fueling likes, after all) but sometimes people take it a little bit far. Four posts a day about a slam poetry recital, three different posters for the same screening of an avant-garde, independent never-even-made-it-to-DVD Latvian film. We've seen your post about your upcoming dog-walking, chili cookoff, rap battle crossover event so many times that we could probably draw the QR code from memory.
'Great location'. 'Within walking distance of gyms, wet markets and cafés.' 'There's a metro station nearby, probably.' 'Three international flatmates who will almost certainly drink your milk and use your toothbrush.' You know how property listings go. And don't get us started on the photos. They say the camera adds ten pounds, but how do property agents make it add ten square metres? Is it possible to be catfished by a picture of a kitchen?
You can't remember who Dave is, where you met, or how you came to become WeChat friends. However, despite this, you know a hell of a lot about him. He teaches English, has a Canadian girlfriend, loves Fruityspace, isn't shy of sharing the odd Mamahuhu video (he's a big Jorge fan) and spent the Qingming long weekend in Jiangxi. You feel like you've been through a lot with him. How can you forget the touch-and-go visa renewal back in November? Or when China Eastern lost his luggage on the way back from Hong Kong? You love Dave and he'll never know.
We use the term model lightly. By model, we mean someone with a decent camera, a lot of spare time and a range of poses that would make Derek Zoolander jealous. Here's a picture of them prancing about in the cherry blossoms
; here's a shot of them looking edgy on the roof of Galaxy Soho; here's them smiling while waiting for the metro, but, like, ironically.
It doesn't know it, but you've been part of this kid's life since day one. You remember baby's first bathtime, baby's first steps, baby's first baozi... It's been a pretty wild ride and you've seen pictures of it all – not that you asked to. Mummy just loves posting pictures of her pride and joy and to be fair, the kid is adorable, but the constant public documentation of this child's life isn't really your cup of tea.
Whether they're a past partner, hookup, or just a one-night fling, you can't help but snoop on them from time to time. Who is that guy/girl they're with? How come they eat ramen now all of a sudden? Is that a new hat? You find yourself overreacting and obsessing over every post. How dare they look happy?!? You'd probably be better off muting them, or better yet, deleting them for good. Nothing will ruin your day more than a pic of a smiling old flame popping up at the top of your feed.
One day they're posting a picture of themselves at a pharmaceuticals conference, the next they're sharing the flyer for a motivational talk about venture capital. They seem to go on business trips to Scandinavia and Eastern Europe and then out of nowhere a pic of them helping build a school in North Africa will appear. The other day they wrote a post entirely in Japanese, which would be less impressive if they were Japanese, but they're not! Remember that time you saw the ungodly amount of steps they'd done in one day on WeRun and then when you checked the next day they didn't seem to have moved at all...
Their progress selfies pollute your feed on a regular basis – they're the Moments equivalent of PM2.5. They have their own AQI, but in their case, it stands for 'abs quality index.' They constantly spam you with post-workout pictures #Progress #Gym #Abs #SixPack #NoPainNoGain #PainIsJustFailureLeavingTheBody #SummerBody #Cutting #ImLonelyAsHellPleaseGiveMeAttention. Who even seriously hashtags on WeChat anyway?
A real Beijing Del Boy (if you know, you know), this guy will try and sell you anything – he'd try and sell English lessons to an English teacher if he could. Every day there's a new post: 'For sale: a pair of Feiyues. Size 9. Worn twice (I think). 120RMB.' 'For sale: one permanently unlocked Ofo (don't ask how I did it). Minion edition. 200RMB.' It's only a matter of time before he tries to sell you advertising space on his Moments feed...
By Adam Hopkins