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There's now a vending machine-cum-sex shop in Beijing

Getting off just got a whole lot more convenient

We're not renowned for being particularly prudish here at Time Out, and we're admittedly obsessed with wacky vending machines. Because of this, when we smelt the pheromones wafting off this brand-spanking-new sex shop setup on Chaoyangmen Nan Xiaojie, we strapped ourselves into our silkiest underwear and headed down to check it out.

sex shop

Is this bachelorette-party-style trading post the future of masturbation? To be honest, from the outside the vending machine looks pretty chill; rather than being hidden round the dark corner of a murder alley, it's just plonked innocuously on the street like any other shop.

In these glory days of Tinder and Grindr, the automation of getting your rocks off seems like a logical next step, although we wouldn't go so far as recommending you entrust the safety of your junk to robots just yet. Reassuringly, the vending machine was housed in a clean, bright space which worked wonders to counteract any associations of seediness we may have initially attached to the concept.

fleshlight

We were pleasantly surprised to find devices to suit any configuration of genitals winking at us from the vending machine. In a market where dick-havers tend to be short-changed while those of us in possession of a vagina get all the snazzy vibrators to go to town with, this is a pleasant change – gold star to you, sex toy vending machine!

sex doll

This blow-up paramour has more luscious lashes than we do, and we're jealous AF. Share your mascara secrets, sex doll.

sex machine

The prices are pretty fair. A simple bullet vibrator, the obvious choice for first-timers, was priced at a reasonable 40RMB, with more elaborate contraptions up to a not-too-spendy 400RMB.

They all look up to scratch, which is a definite plus point as you don't want to be putting your bits in any jeopardy for the sake of a quick orgasm. All the toys were hygienically sealed in classy little boxes, and the butt plug on offer had the recommended flared base to prevent intestinal incidents.

vr porn

We also found out that cheap and cheerful VR porn exists and can be purchased through a vending machine. Please submit your practical applications for this tech on a postcard and send it to the office, please.

pill

On a cautionary note, do not take this orgasm pill under any circumstances. Nothing good ever came of pharmaceuticals that cost the same as a jianbing, as the denizens of Dada would surely attest.

machine 2

Maybe we'd been swept away by this brave new world of silicone and lube, but we just had to try the love machine for ourselves. We thought long and hard on our pick (cute little dildo? Remote-controlled bullet?) but settled for a not-too-tacky Magic Wand type gizmo.

keypad

We keyed in our choice, watched as the machine slurped up a couple of hundos – although the truly space aged among us can also pay using WeChat wallet – and marvelled as the trapdoor flew open to present us with the goods. It's as easy and quick as treating yourself to a can of Coke at a subway station.

sex toy door

sex toy
Result!

To be honest, although our instinctive response to anything as left-field as a vending machine sex shop is to crack a snide joke, automated access to sex toys and condoms is actually a brilliant idea. It's 2017, people, and it's time for the smutty giggles and blushes surrounding safe, sane and consensual sexual pleasure to be banished back to the '70s where they belong.

 sexy black and white vintage burlesque spanking GIF
Sex: unsuprisingly, it's pretty damn fun.

This vending machine, although easy to mock, provides judgement-free access to sex toys minus the misguided embarrassment that many of us might feel when confronted with the smiling face of a sex shop employee. In particular, we can imagine that this type of sex shop might be handy for folks who have typically been discriminated against for expressing themselves sexually, or anyone who might need anonymity in order to feel safe.

Basically, take a trip down to Chaoyangmen and wank on, dear readers – life's far too short not to be getting off on a regular basis.

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