Pools are fun. Lazing around getting sunburnt is fun. Lazing around in a pool getting sunburnt on a magnificently tacky floatie while kids point and those with better taste stare and look confused is probably the definition of fun, and that's precisely why we've compiled this list of the most bonkers inflatables we could find on Taobao.
Blow 'em up, make 'em your summertime companion and prepare to buy a new one when you inevitably burst it by doing a cannonball onto its clammy PVC surface just that little bit too enthusiastically. We'll see you poolside, mentalists.
These cutesy treats
(260RMB) won't stop you fitting into your swimsuit and come in a variety of sugar-sweet shades, so you can quadruple the annoyance of everyone in your vicinity by doling them out to your mates and bobbing around as a fly flotilla. They're definitely the most comfortable-looking option on this list, so stop here if your ass likes being supported by a simple circle of sweaty plastic.
It's so Instagram it makes us want to hurl, but those of you who like to coordinate your kitschy pool floats with your outfit should get a kick out of this majestic, oversized beast
. It doesn't s**t sparkles or gore your enemies, but you can pick one up for 613RMB.
It might not help you score with Natalie Portman, but this black swan
is still perfectly adequate when it comes to facilitating semi-aquatic bobbing and beer drinking. It's 380RMB, and because of its heat-absorbing colour it's likely to soak up sunrays and overheat like a mofo.
If, like us, you fell beak over weird webbed feet for that scene with all the tarty flamingos from Planet Earth II
, then splurge on this slightly vague-expressioned chappie (305RMB)
and feel part of the flock. Still can't get enough of the birds whose knees bend backwards? Listen to this
, and come thank us later.
Work it, you beautiful, ridiculous beasties.
What's there really to say about this? It's a massive pretzel
(239RMB), and by the floppy-looking way it's put together, we don't reckon it's got much structural integrity.
Live out your Little Mermaid
fantasies with this multi-chambered seashell
; it goes for 342RMB, is one of the more sophisticated options on this list (even when you consider that when dealing with human-sized inflatable toys 'sophisticated' is very, very very relative) and is nice and broad, so should be pretty stable when it comes to taking a mid-afternoon floating nap.
Okay, so he seems to be designed for children in terms of the size of his butt-holes (minds out of the gutter, people), but this whacked-out caterpillar
has a dazed and cheerful expression and so would make a great choice for any of the teeny-weeny slackers in your life. He's 336RMB and comes sporting some rather snazzy orange feet. If you're not that fussed about your poolside aesthetic, we reckon you'll fall in love with him in the time it takes to crack open a Yanjing.
Aren't fire and water, y'know, elemental mortal enemies? Anyway, if you're fine with ignoring the laws of nature, or alternatively are secretly Keef from the Prodigy
, this hardcore floatie
goes for a cool 602RMB.
Or, as this listing delightfully puts it, a 'Giant Inflatable S**t Pool Toy
' (350RMB). We've all seen those 'comedy' movies where the kid or drunk adult drops a turd in the pool and panic ensues; now, you can recreate this exact scenario for yourself without even having to risk getting a dose of dead-skin-cell-filled water up the anus! Just don't look this mega-poo straight in the eye – they definitely know something we don't (hence the smirk).