Oh, the things that come from the mouths of babes. Part savage, part innocent, a teacher never knows when one of those angelic faces is going to deliver a devastating blow to their ego or crack an unwittingly hilarious joke.
We asked for your war stories and you delivered, here are our favourite moments from your classrooms. All submissions have been left anonymous to relieve the teacher’s embarrassment.
Teacher: ‘What’s 2 + 2?’
5-year-old girl: ‘F’
Anonymous, 25, female
Student: Miss you have big ones [points at teacher's chest]. Can you please tell my mum where she can get them.
Anonymous, 29, female
6-year-old boy: ‘So you’re not married?’
6 y/o: ‘But that means nobody loves you!’
Teacher: ‘Well my family loves me...’
6 y/o: ‘Yeah but nobody chooses to love you!’
Anonymous, 27, female
As grade 1 snack time was coming to an end...
Teacher: ‘Ok everyone put away your containers and close them all up!’
Student: [pointing to his banana] ‘But I can't close this!’
Anonymous, 32, female
Teacher: ‘Why did you touch his private parts?’
5 y/o: ‘It was an accident, my hand just slipped from his shoulder!’
Anonymous, 26, female
I once spent about two hours explaining to a group of small school children that they should say ‘no’ to strangers. At the end of the session I said to them all ‘so, what do you say?’ They all chorused ‘thank you!’ I just burst out laughing and looked at the teacher thinking what on earth do I say to that…
Police liaison officer, 40, female
2-year-old: Is there a baby in there? [pointing at teacher’s belly]
Teacher: I'm just fat...
2 y/o: Oh... why are you fat?
Anonymous, 27, female
I asked one class to write to a friend as homework, one girl wrote her letter to me telling me how I could improve my teaching.
Anonymous, 28, female
Just after a lesson about fact versus opinion…
Teacher: Jack, your shoelaces are always undone!
Another student: That’s your opinion, teacher. They’re not ALWAYS undone.
Teacher: ... [laughs]
Anonymous, 37, male
It was parent meeting day after work I am not the biggest makeup wearer…
Student: Miss why did you put that stuff on your face?
Teacher: I put some makeup on today.
Student: you should wash that off you are much prettier without it.
Student: Don’t wear it tomorrow.
Anonymous, 30, female
When asked to name his team for a classroom game a former student looked me straight in the eye and said '[Teacher], today we are Team BITCH!'
Anonymous, 34, female
One of my students tried to tell me she hated wasps but she didn't know its English name so she said ‘I hate... the EVIL BEE’
Anonymous, 31, male