We’re amazed you found time for our survey, what with all the canoodling you’ve been doing. Hundreds of you fondled coyly with the parts of the survey you found interesting while hundreds more had the stamina to start at the beginning and go through until the bitter end. This corroborates what we now know of you from the survey answers: you’re a curious mix of flirty and wholesome, kinky and vanilla. And one of you likes to dress up as a bear. But whatever. It's 2014 – threesomes are so vanilla.
20% of you have had threesomes
But whatever. It's 2014 – threesomes are so vanilla.
Wudaokou kids are porn-watching virgins
This was our youngest set of respondents, with well over half between 18 and 25, and 62 percent being students. No surprises there then. But over a fifth say they’re not happy with their sex life – and no wonder, nearly half of them have slept with five people or less. Despite 93 percent of Wudaokou residents watching porn regularly, there’s not that much non-screen action happening. Around a third say they have sex only ‘a few times a year.’ What’s wrong with you kids?
You're top dogg
Two-thirds of you say doggy style is your favourite position, while just over a fifth are equally happy with missionary (man on top) or cowgirl (woman on top). And then there’s the respondent who got frustrated by our lack of imagination and wrote, ‘Standing, against a wall. What the f**k guys, why isn’t that on here?’ This is the same charmer who, we can tell from our stats, lives in the CBD, is having an affair with his boss’ daughter and is happy to pay women for sex
Most women don’t like sex toys
Nearly two-thirds of women eschew sex toys. The rest have a vibrator. Then there are the two chaps who told us that ‘I am a man who has dispensed with women entirely and now share my life with a reasonably lifelike blow-up sex doll I call Jessica.’ All’s well that ends well.
You suffer from raging yellow fever
22 percent of expat men proclaim ‘I am a Western god and women are my concubines!’ True to sexpat form, the majority work in management while 14 percent are English teachers (private tutorials, no doubt). Those that admit to having yellow fever are pretty skanky: they’ve had between 21 and 30 partners, they have sex a few times a week, half of them love (to impose, not receive) anal sex, they strongly prefer their partners to be younger than them and they love porn. Nearly 70 percent have had sex within an hour of meeting someone and half have paid for sex. Nice people.
You like things au naturel
70 percent of you prefer to have sex completely naked. Except for the one person who told us they like to wear ‘a full fun-fur bear onesie complete with butt flap, paws, ears and a tail.’ Cute. Very cute.
Nearly a third of you have sex ‘a few times a week’ while 18 percent do it once a week.
You practice safe sex
73 percent of you always use protection when having sex, with two-thirds preferring condoms. A foolhardly (or straight-up dumb) 10 percent never use contraception while 11 people use the withdrawal method. Tip: that’s not really a method.
Virtually all men watch porn
41 percent of women don’t watch porn, compared to just 3 percent of men. Depressingly, ten porn-watching men told us that ‘if the person I’m with doesn’t want to be choked, throttled, slapped, called a dirty whore, pushed around and anally abused then I wonder if something’s wrong with them.’ We really hope you were joking.
Almost all of you have one-night stands
80 percent of you have had multiple one-night stands and a third of you have had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them for the first time. Of those people, 65 percent are male and most work in management or – gulp – at an international embassy. Guess all those posh cocktail dos in diplomatic residences really pay off. They’re also social climbers, with 20 percent of them saying they’ve slept with people to help their career. Plus, more than half of them have had threesomes. But they’re pretty traditional in other ways: a quarter like a good solid missionary position bonk.
You think you haven’t been cheated on – but you probably have
71 percent of you have cheated, but 55 percent of you believe you’ve never been cheated on. That doesn’t quite match up. Of the cheats, 24 percent only use contraception ‘when I remember’ and a third have had sex with more than one person in a night. They live mainly in Shuangjing and Dongzhimen and 40 percent think they’re ‘obviously’ good in bed. Over 70 percent of the male cheats describe themselves as ‘an equal-opportunities ladies man’ – i.e. you’ll go with anyone. But then, we knew that.
Gulou dwellers are horny, happy anal-loving perverts
42 percent of Gulou lovers are ‘very satisfied’ with their sex life. Two-thirds just adore up-the-bum fun. Plus a quarter are into voyeurism, to top it all off.
Half of women say they value a little bit of extra thickness. But a diplomatic 44 percent assured their gentlemen friends that ‘it’s the motion of the ocean not the size of the boat.’ But we ask you, what looks more impressive sailing into the dock, a dinghy or a gleaming yacht, hmm?
Watch out for the circling CBD sharks–they cheat, they rent prostitutes and they probably have an STD
Highly educated, professionally successful but personally… pretty awful, we have to say. People from the CBD are equally represented across all the major elite professions (law, medicine, business, tech, the media, you name it), are least likely to be married and most likely to be single and dating around. 13 percent of them have had sex out of ambition and one in ten out of boredom. A massive third of all CBD men have paid for sex and 12 percent ‘will occasionally break out an iPhone and get snapping away’ during the act. Two-thirds get sex from friends-with-benefits, hook-up apps or just picking people up in clubs. Unsurprisingly, 15 percent have had an STD in the past and three-quarters of them have cheated.
Most Gulou residents mix narcotics and sex
Two-thirds of Gulou lovers have used drugs to enhance the sexual experience. In comparison, the figures in every other Beijing district barely registered.
A third of cheats are married or living with their partner
Oh, and 25 percent of cheats work in management, which is swiftly emerging as the most toxic sector.
Half of men think it’s okay to pay for sex
46 percent of men think it’s totes legit to rent, enter, use, pay off, discard. Only 2 percent of women agree. The rest believe that ‘people who pay for sex are scum.’